I’m a master manipulator at my own emotions.
I’ve come to believe that negative feelings attract negativity.
Sadness is a waste of time.
Grief should be saved for death.
And being unhappy equates to being ungrateful.
Lately I’ve been working on feeling my emotions…and let me tell you, I got a lot of them.
For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been through a fight this year. To put it simply, an infection attacked my brain and changed my life. The effects were devastating and the ramifications of it all have been incomprehensible.
The past couple of months, I’ve walked down the hardest, most painful path that I never expected to endure in my entire life. My body feels older, my brain feels slower and some things are just a little bit harder to do than they were before.
As much as I wanted to accredit all of this to side effects of PTSD, tests have proved otherwise that my brain just isn’t where it cognitively use to be. My life as I knew it feels like it has fallen all around me and now I’m left picking up the pieces.
Even though I’ve been through hell and back, I know this dark season will have a purpose. I strongly believe God doesn’t put people through these type of things without having a beautifully planned design. Although it seems impossible now, I know one day this experience will give me more light, more life and more wisdom than ever before.
I strongly believe God doesn’t put people through these type of things without having a beautifully planned design.
As I’m starting to see the small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve begun to appreciate our feelings for what they are. As much as they suck sometimes, emotions are apart life. They are apart of living, apart of breathing, apart of our humanity.
They are suppose to be here. Without them, we wouldn’t exist.
When I look at emotions, I look at the life of Jesus and what he felt during his time on earth.
Growing up, we were often told Jesus was simply sent to earth to die for our sins. Although this is true, I believe he was also sent to this earth to live- to feel what we feel, endure what we go through. He felt joy, but man did he feel pain as well.
During his time here, he encountered
He felt the same anger, angst and agony we all experience.
He felt, feels and understands.
This small realization has helped me grasp the idea that emotions were created for a purpose. They are here for a reason. They clue us in on our intuition and ignoring them is only hurting ourselves. Feeling an emotion is not only healthy, but necessary. We must feel before we heal.
We must feel before we heal.
Through my own experience I’ve learned…
- It’s not productive to shove negative emotions so far down that you convince yourself they were never there in the first place.
- It’s not fair to hide the depth of your hurt to those around you.
- And most importantly, your soul is not made to bear the weight of the world all by yourself.
As a master manipulator of emotion, this is a big pill to swallow (and in case you’re wondering, I’m still swallowing it).
I often wonder about the purpose of pain—why does it exist and what do we do with it?
I think about hurt and suffering and how people carry around painful situations with them for years and years. It makes me wonder… do some of us still feel so strongly about something because we didn’t do anything with the pain?
Did we forget to pay it forward?
Not want to tell our story?
Neglect to reach out to someone else struggling?
As hesitate and reluctant I am, I feel like this pain won’t go away until I start sharing my story. I can feel my emotions all I want, but the struggle screaming inside of me will not silence until I speak up. I feel like I won’t be set free until I do something with it.
This pain runs deep, deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced.
Deep through my veins, like poison swirling and swishing throughout my body. The only way I know to let it out is drop by drop, word by word- I refuse to let this poison kill me.
Luckily God has given me the gift of words, and by his grace, the 21st century advantage of the internet.
As I’ve mentioned before, I struggle with the idea of sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions so publicly online- and that fear is stronger than ever.
My pain is still so fresh- my grief has just only begun. This isn’t a story of healed, but a story of healing.
Recently, I’ve learned the only way to “please” God is through faith. This blog is a testament of my pure faith- letting go of my fears and trusting in His plan.
This isn’t a story of healed, but a story of healing.
If you’re reading this, struggling through your pain, hiding (or trying) to feel emotions you’ve been stuffing down for too long- these words are for you.
My story is for you.
My hurt is for you.
And my heart is for you. Know you are not alone.
Everyday I’m getting better. Every moment I’m getting stronger.
One day at a time, each step is a climb.
I believe in total and complete healing, both physically and mentally.
I’m also choosing to believe my brain will one day return cognitively to where it was before.
And I do truly believe that one day (hopefully sooner than later), this season of my life will be a long-gone nightmare that I will gladly kiss goodbye.
I have hope.
I know I’m getting better- these words are proof.
A few months ago I could barely read or write- and even up to a few weeks ago, my words didn’t sound like my own. They are starting to now though and I pray that is something that will never be taken away from me again.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you love something until it’s gone.
Until next time, Abbie ♡