GUYS I’LL BE HONEST – I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN A WHILE.
I’ve been busy, stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed.
My head’s been taking my schedule week by week, instead of my heart taking my life day by day…moment by moment.
Last week, out of pure stress and anxiety, I opened my laptop and typed the following blog post straight from my raw little heart.
I wrote this to myself, for myself…
to quickly release built up feelings and emotions.
I saved it on my desktop and never had the intent of sharing it with anyone until tonight….
When I went back and opened the document, the words I wrote just last week took on a completely different meaning and were the exact words I needed to hear right here, right now.
I figure if I needed to hear them tonight, then someone else might need them too…
I’m really good at it.
When I don’t want someone to know something- they won’t.
This one time in college, I was hanging out with one of my sorority sisters and another girl we were recruiting to join our chapter- also known as a “potential new member” or PMN. When we found out the PMN had never been to one of our favorite taco shops, we knew we had to take her!
The entire car ride I hyped up how amazing the tacos were at this place and how excited I was for her to try them. Finally, we got to the restaurant and found a table with fresh tacos in one hand and soda in the other. Let me tell ya- I was happy lady…
…until I bit into my taco.
The huge bite I took not only contained the delicious insides of my favorite taco, but also a huge thick, pointy shard of glass.
Not wanting to ruin the PMN’s first taco shop experience, I casually spit the bite of the taco glass into my napkin and didn’t say a word.
When we finally dropped the PMN off at her apartment, I immediately spilled the story to my sister. “THAT just happened at THAT dinner?!” she said shockingly, “I didn’t even realize! I was wondering why you didn’t eat much. Why didn’t you say something?!”
“I don’t know,” I replied, “…I guess I didn’t want to ruin her experience by complaining about mine.”
I’M GOOD AT HIDING REACTIONS. COVERING UP FEELINGS.
PUSHING EMOTIONS DOWN. SMILING THROUGH THE PAIN.
For a majority of my time on this earth, I feel like I’ve been hiding…
I’ve kept quiet for the fear of being unheard.
I’ve lowered my standards for the fear of being unworthy.
And I’ve even given up explaining myself for the fear of being misunderstood.
I’ve gone through life feeling unheard, unworthy, and misunderstood.
If you’re being honest- I’m sure you’ve been there too.
THE WORLD IS SCARY. FEAR CAN BE SCARY.
We hide because we are afraid.
We’re fearful of the outcome- fearful of what might come next.
We freeze in our fear and hide in the shadows because sometimes we become too afraid to take the next step.
I know I’ve been hiding…
which can be okay sometimes…
too much hiding
can easily shoot you right into a life full of numbness.
MY WORLD WAS ROCKED
when I had the realization that no matter how good I am at hiding, God sees it all.
He knows my fears. He knows my struggles. He knows my pain.
He knows my heart. He knows my dreams. He knows my desires.
He knows my purpose– and most importantly He knows the plan for my purpose.
When I started to accept this (like actually accept this and believe it’s truth) walls were knocked down in my stubborn little heart- and for the first time, I could start living a life full of intention because I felt like I no longer had to hide.
My favorite quote right now is:
“You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”
I know my mountain has been fearful, anxious moments.
I know my mountain is mental illness.
And I know my mountain will continue to be fighting the good fight.
I know my purpose in life is to show others how pain, how sorrow, and how despair can be used later for the greater good of His plan.
I know my mountain can not and will not move by hiding behind it…
so I will step out of the shadows, I will step into the light, and I will overcome it.
By grace, through faith.
“Because you’re not yet taking God seriously,” said Jesus. “The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.” -MATTHEW 17:20 ❤️